Not Devalued-But Christs

I am awake and cannot sleep, I had thoughts of the previous day running around in my head, frustrated that I felt like I was failing (before I'd hardly begun), my body seemed to betray me, and I struggled with what I was putting in my mouth. But as I tossed and turned in the wee hours of this morning, and I sought the Father for the truth behind what I had done, I was reminded of the words that spoken to me that morning, that set in motion the rest of the day. They were the words of my husband after I perhaps foolishly asked him to buy me a treadmill for Christmas, were "Go get a job." At the time words failed me, and I had that stupid grin on my face that says "Are you kidding" or may imply that I am laughing at that inconsiderate comment, while all the time, I am screaming, "Are you kidding? Do I mean so little to you? What I do around the house not worth my health." I had only wanted the thing so that I could continue on my exercise routine, without having to try to manoever myself through the snow and ice that our winters create.

And as I rack my brain to try to figure out the meaning behind the words, as I lay there knowing how much pain I had been in all day yesterday, it hit me. His words, had inflicted wounds not just to my soul but to my flesh as well. My desire to lose weight to feel good about myself was not being supported my the ones I loved, and my weight was a battle that I was not going to win without prayer and determination. How many times had those words played through my mind yesterday, and each time I felt more pain, to the point I could hardly walk.

This was a lesson to me that we as a people need to watch our words, for does not the Bible say, that life and death are in the power of the tongue. Well, I realised today, just what that power had over me and I now know that I am not going to win this battle unless I am on my knees looking to God, for his support, his leading and guidance.

What struck me the most by my husbands words was that what I did in our home were valued and the fact that I wanted to do something for myself was even less so. I began to remind myself of the many parts I play throughout the day, as a wife, homemaker, mother, teacher and foster mother to two little preschoolers with difficulties of their own, my dealings with social workers, doctors, specialists, support workers and daycare providers etc., was less valued than his job, and that what I did on a daily basis was not important, yet he rarely comes home to have to wait long for a meal. I would stop what I am doing to make sure that everyone is fed, and cared for. His words, crushed and wounded me in such a way that quite frankly made me feel sick and I wonder how many times I have allowed myself to be wounded in this way.

As I look at myself I see the years that I have spent trying to be the good wife and mother, to be the supportive and loving homemaker and educator, and I laugh as I see where it has gotten me. A 267.8lb woman, who takes care of all those around her but hardly cares for herself.

What I do may not be valued in our modern day society, it may not be valued within the confindes of the christian church or even my marriage, as we seek what the world seeks, but I cannot believe that God's view and plan for my life is to add more and more stress on ones life in only accquiring things, than to think how blessed I am to be able to care for my family, to be there for them and support them when they need it. I see now that what I do holds very little value for many, but I find comfort in the knowledge that I am God's child, and he does not devalue what I do nor who I have become, but I will trust Him to get me through this time, to heal, to be restored and to become the woman after His own heart as I keep my eyes on Him and glorify Him.

Do you feel that what you have been doing as a wife, mother, sister, daughter etc. has been devalued? Remember your value is not in what people think or what they do, but in who you are in Christ. Don't feed the monster that is trying to ruin you. Don't feed the monster that is telling you "See, what's the point of caring? or what's the point of doing this or that?" Remember your calling, and remember that you are not just in this journey to help and encourage your family and those about you, you are to allow the Lord to teach you when and what to eat. How to eat, and why you are eating. It was a big surprise to me to learn how another persons unkind or thoughtless words (intentioned or not) had on me.

So with the sword in hand (which is the word of God) I am reminded that 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'Philippians 4:13 And I am going to give him all my hurts and the pain that I feel and trust Him to help me to overcome my weight. I am crucified with Christ...He lives in me, and He will make me strong.

I encourage you today, to be Stong in the Lord and in the power of His might and you will overcome today. Remember you are not devalued.

Let us pray:

Father God in Heaven, hear my cry today, not just for myself but for all those who are struggling to win the battles that they are facing today, whether it's health, emotional, physical or eating problems, whatever, I pray that I would realise that I can be an overcomer in Christ, who gives me strength.

Father, it's to you I look to today, to help me to put the right amounts of food and types of foods in my mouth, not to feed my hurts, or my emontional needs, but that every bite be as an act of worship, not to food, but to the God who made the food and the one who knows just how much I need to eat throughout the day. Heal and bind up my wounds, O Lord, and give me the victory over my weight and help me to become healthy in both body, soul and mind. And forgive those who have hurt me, whether through their words or deeds as I forgive them. I thank you, in Jesus name. Amen

On a new journey

Another journey has begun in my home and with myself. A few weeks ago I stood in front of a full length mirror (I don't have one in my home), and I did not like what I saw there. I will not go into detail, but I sure wasn't happy with it. I began looking into different options that would best benefit my health and my daily life. I noticed that I was wearing several hats, perhaps not all of which I am meant to wear, however, somehow I was trying to wear them all and at one time. It was not working as the stress that I was experiencing became noticable. I am a wife, mother, foster mother, homeschooling mom, housekeeper, teacher, appointment keeper (as one of our kids has speech problems), I am balancing, workers coming in and out of our home to help with the care and education of the little ones. Dealings with social workers, parent, and you name it I am experiencing it . I have come to realise that I have been feeding my stress, feeding my emotions and gaining weight in the process. I am 51 and the last thing I need is more weight. I have found the winters here in Saskatchewan harsh and unrelenting at times, and I have not enjoyed keeping fit as I aught. My daughter 10 has been trying get me to exercise, and I have been turning her down for weeks, perhaps even months. But now, I am finding that with spring in the air and the snow is now melted enough for me to walk without slipping and falling, I am ready to begin to challenge myself, and start to lose weight. I was going to look into two different programs in the city where I live, one I kept missing out on and the other concerned me when they spoke of "appetite suppressants" and the cost of the pills I would have to take, and the cost in general. Oh, my! there was no way I could afford to pay out the amount of money they required. I would have to justify it my husband, plus the timing was off as we are in the midst of planning and saving for another move that's to occur at the end of the summer. Another stressor. lol but one that I want to face with a little less weight to hinder me. I decided to go with Weight Watchers, and I found a local chapter just a few blocks from home. I can use the walk. Yeah! As I sat in my chair this morning, planning my meal and thinking about the points, I felt that I needed to journal my journey and all that I am going through and all the plans that we are going to do together.

Homeschooling in Vine

We have only been back from our trip a few days, and I am beginning to question whether I should continue to home educate or not. As a home educating mom of my two lilies, it was not always easy for me to block out the voices of the nay Sayers to home education, from family members and friends, school teachers and believers alike came the constant sound of their disapproval (difficult indeed for one who thrives on the good opinions of others). So in the quietness of the morning, I took those loud voices to the Lord, and asked that He would make it clear what I should do and whether or not it was His will for me to educate my little ones.

My time with the Lord was fruitful as He reminded me that during the time we were away, I had spent very little time in His Presence and that the enemy was now finding a foothold in the recesses of my mind to plant doubt and discord. My heart sank, but it was true. So I decided to leave it with the Lord.

While at the breakfast table, as we sat with our plates full of pancakes and syrup, my oldest daughter began a conversation she had with her aunt, who told her that every time she came into the house that the girls were watching television. A feeling of embarrassment swept over me, as I thought of my sisters comment and my daughters poor spelling of one word in particular and began to talk to her about it. You see, things did not end well with my sister, and her criticism of my children though just perhaps at times, grated at the fibre of my being.

To make matters worse I made my daughter cry. I felt like an awful mother, and continued to wonder how I could teach her. Then I asked myself what was all this about? I had been worrying about how I looked to others, I was embarrassed, I was ashamed and I was concerned that I would be judged as a poor teacher, because I let my children watch television and their spelling wasn't that great. But, was this really all about me? Or was it, what was best for my little lilies? So I asked the Lord, direct me. After the church service I went down to get my girls from Sunday School, and it happened that I began to speak to their Sunday School teacher who praised my girls, and I began to speak to her about what program her mother had used for her and her siblings when they were being home schooled.

It was through that conversation with the Sunday School teacher that I felt that I might have to take a good look at our curriculum and how to really teach my girls what they really needed to know. For now I would continue to teach them what we have.

But this mornings scripture also was speaking to my heart and seemed to hold something special just for me. John 15:1-8, I am the true vine... but it was verse 7 that spoke to my heart, 'If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.' What was the secret to knowing what I had to teach my lilies? It was that I had to abide in the vine. What is the secret to homeschooling my lilies? It is that I abide in the vine. Once I abide in him (the vine, Jesus), I can ask what I wished and it will be done. I had forgotten these past weeks to abide in the vine, and I was not producing fruit, but if I remain in the vine, I will bear much fruit and my lilies will be blessed with the best education that God would give them.

Lord, help me to abide in the vine and prune me as you will so that I might produce fruit. In Jesus name, Amen.

A Caribbean Thanksgiving

Reggae and Calypso music played in the background, as we gathered in my sisters home to enjoy our Thanksgiving meal with family, it was great!

Thirteen to fifteen of my family got together for the first time in many a year to join me in the celebration of our Thanksgiving meal. A few were unable to attend the meal, but came later for the family photo's.

I shared the reasons we celebrated Thanksgiving in Canada, and one of the things that I liked to do as we sat around the table. And asked each person shared one thing they were thankful for. Several of the children and to my surprise the teens shared what they were thankful for, my sister Jennifer who has MS was very thankful for life and family, as were we all. Everyone was well fed in fact many said that they were stuffed. LOL! I am glad that I did not have Turkey. Hahahaha!

Though it was not all perfect. There were several hiccups and frustrating moments during our time together, and some even felt the need to sabotage the evening with their antics and personal grievances. I gave God thanks for the many blessings that I did have. Like having my sister Vonnette attend. I had not seen her in twenty-nine years, and we got along well. I thank God that I was able to take pictures and give Him the glory, but Thanksgiving was not just about us but about Him.

So salt fish, dumplings, fungi, and goat meat all eaten, not to mention the rice and peas, and curried side dishes. Salads and all kinds of treats, the meal was topped off with Carrot cake not Caribbean but a much welcomed treat, all were well fed and a happy Thanksgiving was had by all.

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

What a week!

This has been a long week, both the Lilies have been sick again and we have been house-bound. I was going a little stir-crazy so by Thursday I had to get out of the house, so the girls and I got ready and headed down the road and went shopping (yes, it was most therapeutic). We had a blast and when that was said and done we went to visit my other sister who has MS and we had a fantastic time with her and my niece and nephew and had a good laugh. God knew how much we needed this time together, and how much I needed adult conversation. So our plans for this week were lost, but we are still having fun.

Our Canadian Thanksgiving is in a few days, and we are planning a Thanksgiving meal to share with my family, however, we will not be having the traditional turkey dinner, but we are going to do it Caribbean style. I am looking forward to having the family around and be able to share a little of what we do in Canada.

God is my refuge and help a very present help in times of trouble, and these last few weeks have not been without their trouble, I give God thanks for all those who have kept my family in prayer, and thank God for His ever present help during those times. He has met me on several occasions here, and has reminded me of the walk that I started on over 30 years ago and the path that I have been on in my marriage, and not forget the wonderful relationship that He has given me with my children. Despite it all, I have been on a journey of self discovery, and He has not disappointed me.

He has been leading me through some of the dark places of my past, and into His light. He is forever faithful and will not abandon me, He is with me even when I feel alone and wondering what on earth I am doing, He is there, He never fails. No, He never fails.

Peace!

Connecting with my roots. part 2

The Lilies and I have been staying close to my old neighbourhood, I have found that my roots are deep here, much deeper than I thought after nearly twenty-eight years of living in Canada. But most surprising of all is that turning fifty has made me become more nostaligic and in need of the connection between the past and the present.

There are few changes, and many of my old friends have moved on, I try to seek some of them out so that we can share old times and our stories. I sit and think of the past and share them with my Lilies as we walk through the park or the city streets. I do not know if they are listening or if they even care. But I feel that I need to share my story with them, and share all I can before somehow I forget.

There are times when I feel that I am walking on dark paths and do not know where there are leading me, but the Shepherd knows and he is guiding me there.

From Caribbean carnivals, and historical homes, we have been enjoying all that the borough of Hackney has to offer. Last weekend we found ourselves watching the Hackney version of carnival as the music pounded its way down the streets toward the Downs Park, the place where as a teenager I gave my heart to the Lord. We run along side to take pictures ans see the magnificent costumes and colourful dancers. The Reggae beat filling its onlookers with the desire to dance to its beat.

Then in contrast the Lilies, their cousin and I head toward what we later learn is one of the areas oldest buildings, Sutton House. They offered the children face painting, crafts and dress up, just down my Lilies alley. And I am amazed at the history that we are to discover.

Sutton House was built in 1535 for a Tudor coutier, Ralph Sadleir, but has been in the hands of several different owners, though the house was named after Sir Thomas Sutton who founded Charter House School in 1611 and had been called many things over the years. Names such as 'The Bryk Place', Milford, Ivy and Picton Houses, and also 'the Old House at the Corner'. In the 1980's the house was restored. One of the volunteers said that over the years several of Sadleirs decendents returned and many of them look a great deal like his portrait. There was a story teller sharing a story about a captain who had stories of strange animals from all over the world.

A wonderful time was had by all. It is a great place to visit.

We also visited the Hackney Museum, it is not a big museum but it had the history of Hackney ( and this is the place that I was born and raised), it was history that intriged me and makes me want to learn more about, but also gives me a sense of pride. This is my history. October is Black History month in the UK and there were exhibits that reflected the history of the black community in the area. The featured artist was a local photographer who began taking pictures at an early age. I was especially touched as I saw photo's of men and women just like my parents, and read of the conditions they were living in during the early years after the big influx of Caribbean immigrants in the fifties. Some of those photo's could have been taken in my own home, I marveled at how close it all came to touching my heart, my life.

I was so thankful that I was able to share this with my girls and can only hope that they will one day be as interested in where I have come from as I have been.

God has been good to us, and has been faithful and bring us through and has given us the strength to endure. We have a legacy, that I hope and pray that I can instill in my children as we glorify the Lord as He takes us through this life.

Peace!

Connecting with my roots part 1

The girls and I had a wonderful morning, we went to the park, conservation park that I grew up to just right across the street. We learned so much history, history that I took for granted as a child. How wonderful that I get to share it with my lilies.

The big white house that stands beautifully in the park was one of three mansions, though only the one remains,there is a gazzebo and cricket pitch and tennis court. It has a lovely pond and many different types of birds, I want to return with our binoculars. The magnificent trees that have stood much longer than I have been alive about two to three hundred years to be exact stand tall and majestic in the park, how amazing is that. The poplars, maples, magestic oaks and willows grace this park where elderly people stroll, and the younger men jog, or school children in uniforms play supervised by their teachers. Two men playing tennis on the tennis court and mothers with their children spend a few hours enjoying a picnic and the marvellous wooded walks that speaks of mystery and intrige. I begin to wondered how I missed this growing up, but I did, back then like most children I lived in the here and now.

I point out the willow where I was kissed and enjoyed this wonderful time with my Lilies as we played in the fields. They pick leaves and watch for the four footed creatures that don't want to appear, expect the squirrels that scamper around gathering their nuts for their winter store.

The gathering places so quiet and serene, I watch as my Lilies play.